I hope you’re enjoying my work-in-progress, SEVEN DUDES. It makes me nervous to put my first draft out there for you to read, but at the same time, I know it can all change. This isn’t the final version. Posting my chapters is more about the challenge to “show your work,” as Austin Kleon says. (Fantastic book, by the way.) So, here I go again, showing my work!
SEVEN DUDES
A novel by Peg Cheng, Draft 1
Chapter 3: Sahar
Sunlight streamed through the dusty window and onto Sahar’s face. The bus rumbled on and filled the air with a dull, lulling sound. They passed a highway sign that said: Medford 162 miles.
Sahar pushed her sunglasses–large, round ones that covered half of her face–farther up her nose and pulled her floppy hat closer around her face. A diamond ring strung on a necklace bounced against her chest, and she tucked the ring in under her open collar.
Fields and fields of low trees stretched as far as her eyes could see. Almonds? No, pistachios. Definitely pistachios. Her eyes gleamed. As a child in Iran, she had spent hours cracking piles and piles of the delicious nut, getting them ready for cooking into rice, soup, with chicken, and her favorite, into the flaky pastry baklava. There were no pistachios as good as Persian pistachios.
Sahar didn’t need to look at her watch to know that it was lunchtime. Her stomach growled but no one could hear it above the din of chip bags being ripped open and the rustle of paper sacks opening up and revealing all kinds of things both savory and sweet.
Seated in front of her, a teen boy with a face like a minefield, tore open a gigantic bag of Doritos with his teeth. The boy next to him glugged Coke from a liter bottle. They dug their hands into the bag, grabbed mounds of flourescent orange triangles, and popped them in their mouths, crunching loudly. From the corner of her eye, Sahar watched the girl across the aisle pull gummy worms from a bag and dangle them into her mouth, sucking the sweet and sour coating off before chomping down. Behind her shoulder, she caught the smell of tangy dressing wafting from the humongous hoagie the large man behind her was dispatching down his gullet.
Everywhere on the bus, mouths chewed, throats swallowed, and lips smacked. Sahar resisted the overwhelming urge to clap both palms over her ears. She leaned her head against the window and closed her eyes.
“Hey.” A hand nudged her shoulder. She opened her eyes to see a handsome man leaning over the side of her seat. He held out a candy bar, a Snickers. “You want it?”
Sahar’s eyes narrowed behind her sunglasses and she shook her head no.
“I’m not going to eat it.” The man wagged the Snickers bar at her. “C’mon, take it.”
“No, thank you,” Sahar said.
The man tossed the bar at Sahar. It landed in her lap. He headed back down the aisle to his seat near the front of the bus. He glanced back at her and smiled before he sat down.
Sahar waited a good three minutes after the man turned back around. When she was sure he wasn’t going to look back at her, she picked up the bar and tore open the wrapper. Her fingers trembled as she brought the bar up to her face and sniffed it, breathing in the mixture of sweet chocolate and salty peanuts. Finally, she took a little bite and forced herself to chew slowly, like a grandmother with only half her teeth.
Every once in a while, she paused and gazed out the window or looked around the bus. Then she’d take another mouse-like bite.
It takes twenty minutes of chewing to signal to your brain that it’s full. Her husband had told her that and for some reason, she never forgot it. The candy bar didn’t last twenty minutes but it was close.
When she finished, she rolled up the wrapper into a tiny tube shape and put it in her pants pocket. She then pulled her hat a little tighter around her face, and leaned her head against the window, wondering what the stranger would want in return for his kindness.
Photo of Dina Shihabi from IMDb
I look forward to each chapter, Peg! This mini intro into each of your characters is both entertaining and engaging. I look forward to each intro, and especially the full story! Thank you for jumping into the uncomfortable; you do it well!
Brenda – Vancouver, WA
I really appreciate your feedback and encouragement, Brenda. So glad you’ve enjoyed the first three chapters that introduce you to the three key characters of SEVEN DUDES. Thank you so much! 🙂
Cubby, if I’d known the chapters were so short, I’d have come by sooner! My quick take: as the proverb says, you’re facing in the right direction, so just keep walking.
Nice set up of the story: you’ve given us three compelling puzzle pieces. I really like the asphalt grit on the fingertips–I could feel that. If you ever doubt a detail like that, leave it in; your editors will pull you back.You know how to keep a story moving, so don’t be afraid to add texture.
Something I noticed in The Contenders, you’re skilled at what to reveal and not reveal. The candy bar scene is an example–you didn’t say she was hungry, you let us discover that (ah, so that’s why she noticed everyone eating). And the man in the back of the bus is a sharp observer–somehow, he’s picked up on her situation. And you show her desperation in how she waits, then slowly eats the candy bar–knowing there’s a price. (Also like how she rolls up the wrapper into a little tube–character detail.)
Keep walking, I’ll follow.
Edgy
Edgy, you just made my day with your post. Thank you so, so much! I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed reading my first three chapters. Your feedback means a lot to me. Thank you, always, for your encouragement and support.